When I first met him, we instantly connected. There was the only thing about him that made my heart melt.....it was the gaze of his eyes. The gaze of his eyes told a millions stories, but promised determination, hope, and love. Everything about his eyes was positive and bright. They promised everything that I would wish for. I would stare at him just to read deep into his eyes. He hated me starting at him, and would sometimes get mad when he caught me. I just couldn't help it. That gaze soon became my comfort zone, that I depended on.
On June 21st the call came.....it was him, he was in the ICU. That day is a blur.....I rushed to the hospital to see what really was going on, to finally clear all the lies. He had left the day before saying that he was going to the Dr and never came home. As I walked into the room I saw him curled up in the fetal position. As he turn to look to see who entered his room, I noticed that tear stained cheeks and bright red eyes from crying. He took part of the hospital gown and wiped his eyes........that gaze was gone, VANISHED completely. What I depended on to get me through the my days was stolen, gone completely.
As the days go on, I am now the strong one. The one that is depended on instead of the one that depends on him. I have to fight just as much as him, or even harder....hoping and praying that a a donor comes through and he has a functional kidney.
I hate watching him leave 3 days a week to cleanse his blood. I hate the reality of a machine keeping him alive. I never expected or anticipated what was brought to us. I never thought I would have to be the strong one. My life as I know it is completely different. My days are full of monitoring fluid intake and consistently on call and available to him. Stuff that I enjoy.....that we enjoyed is gone. We can't have the bottles of wine along with a couple pieces of sushi. We can't travel unless well planned in order t get the okay by the social worker. Our normal everyday life has completely changed.
Along with life, his amazing gaze is gone. I miss that glimmer that he had in his eyes. Now all I see is the plea to get him a very small gulp of water or help him get comfortable in order for him to sleep. Now I prefer to stare at him with his eyes closed so I don't' have to see the unknown gaze that is foreign to me.
I can't wait to see that gaze again that I dearly love. I will see it again.......I will see it again.
